


The American Barter System

by graceandfire



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Fairly Dubious Consent, M/M, Peter is about 30, Wade is not above blackmail when healing from a brain injury, idek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-01-25 09:10:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21353797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graceandfire/pseuds/graceandfire
Summary: Peter needs backup in a fight and all of his usual hero buddies are out of town.  He decides to ask Deadpool.  This may be ano good bad truly terribleidea.**********“Y’know,” Deadpool said flatly, tone sending a prickle of warning up the back of Peter’s neck,  “Yellow thinks you’re a hallucination.  White thinks you’re an evil clone sent to kill me.”  The fact that Deadpool was fingering his sidearm while he spoke to Peter was not reassuring.Peter resisted the urge to bang his head against the bar wall because what the h--- had he been thinking?  But he was here and he didn’t have any other options right now so...he had to try.Peter took a deep breath.   “Deadpool, I am not an evil clone.  I need backup, people’s lives are at stake and I don’t have a lot of time!”Deadpool looked unimpressed but at least he stopped caressing his gun.  “Uh huh.  What’s the pay?”
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 75
Kudos: 615





	1. But people's lives are at stake?

**Author's Note:**

> Uhm, I have no excuse for this except too much work plus a martini equals...this.
> 
> So I promise I am still continuing my gen fics. I promise! Uhm, distinctly non-gen fics keep getting in the way along with so...much...work O_o
> 
> In this fic Peter is about thirty-ish and I’m pretty much drawing whatever the heck I want from a mishmash of the movies and comic books and ignoring anything that doesn’t work for this fic. Deadpool is way more pulling from the comics in this one but Weasel? Will forever and only be movie Weasel for me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who else could he...an idea occurred to Peter. It was possibly an extremely _no good bad truly terrible idea but..._
> 
> “Clint, do you know where I can find Deadpool?”
> 
> “...uh, sorry, Spidey, I think you broke up there. Did you just ask for _Deadpool_?”

“Yeah, Spidey, sorry but we’re all on our way out of the country. There’s some huge SNAFU going on near Malvania. Or maybe it was Malvekistan.” Clint’s voice became muffled. “Hey, Nat, where the fuck’re we going?”

Peter could perfectly picture the cold glare of Black Widow as her muffled voice came across the line, “It’s Maldonia, Clint. And since you’re piloting I would hope that you actually know that.”

“Right, Maldonia,” Hawkeye said cheerfully.

Peter closed his eyes in frustration. Okay, nix the Avengers as backup. With the Fantastic Four currently offworld...who did that leave? Even Jessica Jones and her crew were out of town in K’un-Lun. 

Who else could he...an idea occurred to Peter. It was possibly an extremely _ no good bad truly terrible idea _ but...

“Clint, do you know where I can find Deadpool?”

“...uh, sorry, Spidey, I think you broke up there. Did you just ask for _ Deadpool_?”

“Yes,” Peter replied impatiently. “I need backup and my regulars have all fled New York. Deadpool’s immortal, he’s got skills and, last I heard, he was importantly _ in New York.” _

He’d met the self professed ‘merc with a mouth’ at the all hands on deck battle against the invading dinosaur army last month. Deadpool had bordered on asshole-like behavior but he’d also matched Peter quip for quip which had been a nice change from the seriousness of most of the heroes Peter tended to team up with and had resulted in the bonus of Captain America issuing a stern warning to which they had both replied simultaneously, “Yes, Captain Mom..._jinx_!”

The post battle lecture on professionalism had been so worth it. 

More importantly for Peter’s current needs, however, Deadpool was a Grade A badass with the handy talent of shrugging off things like gaping stomach wounds. Useful in a fight.

“Look, Spidey are you sure you…”

“Dude.”

There was a long pause, a sigh, and then, “There’s this bar he hangs at…”

Peter stood in the entrance of Sister Margaret’s School for Wayward Girls, letting his eyes adjust to the dim lights. His senses weren’t going off even though Clint had informed him the bar was a hive of scum and villainy. Right now it just looked like a slightly seedy bar.

“We’re closed, asshole,” a tired male voice growled out. “Come back at four.”

Peter ignored the order and stepped forward, letting the door close behind him.

“Ah, noooo, _ fuck_,” the sandy haired man the voice belonged to looked at him in dismay. “Are you fucking shitting me? Fucking _ Spiderman _ is in my bar? Look, dude, there’s no one here, I don’t know anything about anyone and I _ just _ had the chairs replaced so can you please not…”

“Uh, hi, I’m looking for Deadpool?”

The man stopped mid-rant and squinted at Peter suspiciously through his black horn rimmed glasses. “Why?”

“I need his help. Do you know where I can...”

“Wait,” the guy held up a hand. “Just…, uh, wait. Did you just actually say you need fuckin’ _ what _ now?”

“I need Deadpool’s help,” Peter repeated, biting back his impatience.

The man stared at him for another long second and then guffawed. “Oh, man, Jesus, fuck, this...I gotta see this.” He turned his head. “Hey, Deadpool! Pool! Spiderman’s here for _your_ _help_!”

Peter heard a muffled voice from further back in the bar. “Yeah, right, Weasel, and the Black Widow’s stopping by later so she can ride your dick like you’re the…” the red and black very large form of Deadpool came into view and paused. “...huh, Spidey.”

Peter looked at the mercenary in relief. “Deadpool, I’m glad I found you. I need your help.”

Deadpool stared at him and then raised a hand and whacked the side of his ear a couple of times. “Yeah, I know he said it,” Deadpool muttered to himself, “but that‘s gotta be a hallucinatin’ kind of deal. Right? Wait, why do you think he’s...right.” Shaking his head, the man turned away from Peter and slid onto the bar. “Weasel. This is clearly a ‘fuck me’ night. Pour me the good shit.”

The bartender, apparently named Weasel, gave Deadpool an unimpressed stare. “It’s two o’clock in the afternoon, DP, and also, fuck no I’m not pouring you the good shit. It’ll make you even more pathetic and maudlin than usual for the five and a half fucking seconds it’ll work on you.”

Peter watched in disbelief as the two men proceeded to completely ignore him, launching into a heated argument about the effects of the ‘good shit’. 

“Uh, excuse me, I’m not a hallucination,” Peter finally interrupted although he was coming to the reluctant conclusion that this had been a waste of time he didn’t have.

Deadpool turned from arguing with Weasel and stared at him through white lensed eyes and, okay, that was a little disturbing. No wonder Spiderman freaked some people out.

“Y’know,” Deadpool said flatly, tone sending a prickle of warning up the back of Peter’s neck, “Yellow thinks you’re a hallucination. White thinks you’re an evil clone sent to kill me.” The fact that Deadpool was fingering his sidearm while he spoke to Peter was not reassuring.

Peter resisted the urge to bang his head against the bar wall because what the _ hell _had he been thinking? But he was here and he didn’t have any other options right now so...he had to try. 

Peter took a deep breath. “Deadpool, I am _ not _ an evil clone. I need backup, people’s lives are at stake and I don’t have a lot of time!”

Deadpool looked unimpressed but at least he stopped caressing his gun. “Uh huh. What’s the pay?”

Peter blinked. “The pay? You want me to _ pay _ you?”

“Ding, ding, ding,” Deadpool emphasized each ‘ding’ with a motion of his index finger. “And we have a winner here, folks.”

“But...people’s lives are at stake,” Peter said blankly.

“And I’m a mercenary. Y’know what the dictionary defines a mercenary as? ‘Does not do shit for free’.”

“Well, I don’t have any money,” Peter snapped back. He sooo did not have any money.

Deadpool shrugged. “Then good luck with your little ‘Save the Day’ project.” He turned back to the bar. “Weasel, the good shit...now.”

Peter stared at the man’s broad back for a long second and then shook his head. “Wow. Guess the Avengers were right about you.” He turned and headed towards the door, frantically trying to think of who else might be able to provide back up. Maybe he could…

“I’ll do it for a blowjob.”

Peter froze before turning back to give the other man an incredulous look. “What did you say?” 

Deadpool had twirled his barstool around and was facing him, shoulders back against the bar top, muscular legs spread obscenely, showcasing an intimidating bulge and Peter would swear he could detect a smirk under that fucking mask. “I said, if you don’t have the cash, I’ll help you out for a blowjob.”

“You...y’know what, fuck you,” Peter said and began to turn away again but stopped at Deadpool’s next comment.

“Oh, wow, Spidey. So you’re sayin’ your chastity is more important than the lives of a bunch of innocent New Yorkers—okay, I get that’s a contradiction but still—a bunch of civilian lives? Thought heroes were supposed to be self sacrificing and all that shit.”

Peter tried to see through the mask to Deadpool’s actual thoughts. “Are you literally for real serious? You’re blackmailing me with the lives of people?”

Deadpool shrugged. “Spideybabe, you call it blackmail, I call it payment for services rendered in a fine example of the barter system that is the basis for our capitalistic society. Well. Yours. I’m Canadian. We’re more polite about it.”

Peter opened his mouth. Shut it again because this was ridiculous. Deadpool had to be messing with him but...what if he was actually serious? He opened his mouth to say no, paused as he thought about the people who needed help. He _ needed _ Deadpool’s help. Half the Sinister Six were planning to kill him in a crowded area, they’d given him a deadline to show up, and if he went alone the odds of people getting hurt were too high. And in the end...wasn’t Deadpool right? Who was he to put his own discomfort above the lives of innocent people. “Fine.”

Deadpool stared at him. “Really?”

“Yes, fine,” Peter gritted out. “Deal. Meet me at the rooftop of the First New York bank building in Manhattan in two hours. If you actually help save lives and don’t kill anyone then...fine.” He turned and left the bar deciding he was going to ignore the hell out of the deal he’d just made until he couldn’t. 

Denial was totally a thing.

  
  
  


Wade watched Spidey hallucination/evil doppelgänger leave the bar and turned to Weasel. “Wait, was that, uhm, actually Spiderman?”

Weasel stared at him in awed disbelief. “I don’t fucking know, Wade, but he sure looked like the real creepy crawly deal and if so you just got _ Spider-freaking-man _ to agree to give you a blow job.”

Wade blinked. He was still healing the last of the brain injury from that morning because a knife plus three bullets through the brain took a little time even for him but...wait…”so, that was really Spidey?”

“A blow job,” Weasel breathed out. “It’s like Darth Vader making out with the Little Mermaid. It’s so so wrong but oddly hypnotic to think about.”

“Wait. That was _ actually _ Spidey,” Wade said slowly as the last of his healing brain knitted itself together. “And he just agreed to give me a blow job.”

“Welll,” Weasel waved a hand. “I would say less agreed to and more gave his dubiously blackmailed consent but tomato...tomahto…”

Wade’s brain suddenly snapped into complete focus. “I gotta go Weas...”

“Take pictures!” Weasel yelled after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This seriously started out as maybe 1,000 words of plot what plot porn. But then as I am wont to do there had to be intro and epilogue and...one day I will seriously manage to write short, concise, PWP. 
> 
> Although...I just enjoy writing everyone's snark so much so maybe not! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!


	2. So I did good?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Good fight, Spideybro!” Deadpool walked over, oversized presence seeming to take up the whole roof. “It was interesting meeting some of your arch enemies although that Electro’s a douchestick. You really should have let me unalive him.”
> 
> “Unaliving was not called for,” Peter said firmly. Although Deadpool was right that of the three guys who’d teamed up against them Electro was by far the biggest, well...douchestick, even for a super villain.
> 
> “Uh huh, when you change your mind let me know. I’ll even give you a discount on him. So, anyways, I did good?” Deadpool had stopped in front of him and had his head cocked to the side in inquiry.
> 
> Peter bit back the sigh. “Yeah, you did.”

Peter had to—grudgingly—admit Deadpool had made a difference in the fight. If the mercenary hadn’t been fighting alongside him a lot more people would have been injured, especially since Electro seemed to take perverse pleasure pulling civilians into the fray. As it was, the injuries had been contained to scrapes, bruises and a few minor electrical burns.

Which meant Deadpool had lived up to his part of the bargain.

Which meant...denial was no longer a thing.

Peter watched his unlikely ally climb up on the roof of the low storied building they’d agreed to move to, away from where police had converged on scene to mop up the damage.

“Good fight, Spideybro!” Deadpool walked over, oversized presence seeming to take up the whole roof. “It was interesting meeting some of your arch enemies although that Electro’s a douchestick. You really should have let me unalive him.”

“Unaliving was not called for,” Peter said firmly. Although Deadpool was right that of the three guys who’d teamed up against them Electro was by far the biggest well...douchestick, even for a super villain.

“Uh huh, when you change your mind let me know. I’ll even give you a discount on him. So, anyways, I did good?” Deadpool had stopped in front of him and had his head cocked to the side in inquiry.

Peter bit back the sigh. “Yeah, you did.”

“And I helped save lives?”

“You really did.”

“And I didn’t unalive anyone?”

“...you did not.”

“Sweet.” Deadpool surprisingly fell silent, not bringing up their deal, just staring down at Peter, expression unreadable beneath the mask.

Peter stared back, the silence stretching out. It was a little unnerving since in Peter’s limited experience with Deadpool, the guy never seemed to stop talking.

It was so so so tempting to run with the silence and try to pretend their deal hadn't happened. He could leave. He totally could. He was Spiderman. He had super powers and webs.

Of course Deadpool was a notorious mercenary assassin so reneging on a deal with him probably wasn’t the best idea.

More important though, Peter had given his word.

Argh.

“Right, so you...kept up your part of the deal,” Peter finally said. “I’ll keep mine. Do you want to, uhm…” he looked around the roof. It had a garden in one corner and some tables and chairs in another with outdoor fairy lights strung up. The building’s residents clearly used the space. “I don’t think this is really private enough for…”

“I’ve got a safe house not far from here,” Deadpool offered. “It’s about twenty minutes away.” He rattled off the address.

“Oh, uh...okay,” Peter said, not sure how he felt about that. On the one hand he was relieved Deadpool wasn’t expecting him to drop to his knees right there on the roof. On the other hand he was about to be alone with a guy he had been blackmailed into _owing sexual favors_.

At least from what he’d seen he was a lot stronger than the other man and if things got weird Peter could always drop kick him through a wall.

It was a truly comforting thought.

“Meet you there?” Deadpool asked, hands fiddling restlessly with his holsters.

“I can swing us over.” The less time he had to overthink and freak out about this situation the better.

Deadpool brightened at the idea, posture straightening as he bounced up and down on the balls of his feet. “A Spidey ride!? Ooh, are you going to carry me princess style? Because if I’d known I’d have gotten an outfit for the occasion and a...”

“Uhm, no. Just piggy back me okay?”

“Spideyyyy, you say the sexiest things.” Peter was not sure how Deadpool conveyed a leer through his mask but the other man somehow managed it.

Rolling his eyes Peter turned to offer his back. Deadpool was big but agile, and easily wrapped arms and legs around Peter’s smaller frame. As Peter shot out a web and dropped off the roof, he was pleasantly surprised—given the guy had tried to grab his ass twice at last month’s big battle—that Deadpool didn’t take advantage of the situation, keeping his hands to himself in a very non-groping fashion.

One thing was for sure. Deadpool liked traveling by web slinging given the whoops, yeehaws, and the “...do a loop the loop, Spidey! _Pleasepleasepleaseplease_…”. Accommodating the request Peter forgot his situation long enough to grin at Deadpool’s shrieks as they arced in an exhilarating looping pattern through the air.

His brief distraction ended when Deadpool yelled “Over there!” into his ear as they neared the given address, reaching out to point over Peter’s shoulder at a large window on the top floor of a residential building. “We can go through the window but I need to disarm it first!”

Heeding instructions Peter swung to the building, sticking to the exterior wall while his passenger leaned over and tapped a code into an alarm box before sliding the window open. Once he got the all clear Peter climbed over the sill and into the apartment straightening up as his passenger dismounted and headed to the corner of the large main room that held a decent sized kitchen.

“Want something to drink?” Deadpool asked as he opened the fridge.

“Uh, sure,” Peter responded as he looked around the apartment. It was nice. Much nicer than his own place. Apparently mercenary work paid a lot better than photographer/part-time science teacher. Go figure.

“I’ve got coke or tequila! Or coke and tequila? Soda coke I mean, although, I have the other coke too if you want a little extra kick.”

“Uh, just a soda. No extra kick needed.”

Peter took the proffered bottle and eyed it but the cap was sealed. He watched as Deadpool, carrying his own bottle, tugged his mask up just enough to reveal his lower face. The mercenary had a strong jawline and serious scarring all over the exposed skin. As Deadpool brought the bottle up to his lips and took a chug Peter took in just how fit and oversized the guy was. He glanced down to the bulge between Deadpool’s legs and, yeah, that looked oversized too.

He felt the beginnings of a freak out in his chest. No, no, no, no freakouts allowed. He could totally do this. He was a twenty-eight year old sexually experienced adult who'd been with plenty of...okay, three—_three and_ a _half_ if you counted going to third base—people which was very respectable especially for someone who wasn’t into casual flings and had to juggle attempts at a social life with being Spiderman. Peter had been an engaged man for cryin’ out loud up until M.J. had broken it off and moved to L.A. to pursue her acting career. Plus he’d been with Felicia Hardy and that woman was _flexible_.

Okay, so maybe he’d never actually given a blow job before or been with a guy at all but really...how hard could it be.

This was totally not weird.

“You’re not drinking.”

“What?”

Deadpool had paused and brought the soda down from his mouth as he gestured at Peter’s own unopened bottle. “You’re not drinking.”

“Oh,” Peter realized he’d been spacing and quickly popped the cap and tugged his own mask up above his mouth. He ignored the other man’s interested stare as he brought the bottle up and chugged half the contents. He lowered it and, looking around, saw a wooden side table. “Do you have any coasters?”

Deadpool considered him. “I do not have coasters, Spidey.”

“Oh, uhm,” Peter went to the kitchen, got a paper towel, folded it into 4th’s and put it under the soda as he placed it on the table because, no matter how old he got, Peter knew if he didn’t use a coaster Aunt May would stop in her tracks, wherever she was, sensing something off with the universe and that her nephew was responsible due to bad manners.

And...okay, no sense putting this off. Taking a deep breath, Peter gestured to Deadpool. “Do you want to, uhm, stand or do you want to…” and cut off in shock as the larger man moved into his space, unceremoniously dropping down to his knees on the floor in front of Peter.

“You...what...what are you doing?!” Peter squawked.

Deadpool grinned up at him from his kneeling position, perfect teeth flashing white. “You promised me a blowjob.”

“Yes, but I thought…”

“I said a blowjob, Spidey,” Deadpool cut him off. “I didn’t say whose.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry about the semi-cliffhanger but I decided to break this into three chapters and I'm still polishing up the last part.
> 
> Hope you enjoy! I'm kind of thinking I might need to write a companion piece to this from DP's viewpoint because, oh, the thoughts going through his mind.
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving week everyone! I'm hoping to be able to take the long weekend to write a little more than I've been able to lately :)


	3. So...what, oh, trained scientist?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter could only stare as Deadpool knelt in front of him, reaching up large hands to span his waist. Tensed as searching fingers found the seam of his costume, slowly sliding between the top and bottom, leather gloves brushing against bare skin. His spidey sense was silent but Peter had to resist the purely human fight or flight impulse to throw Deadpool across the room for being too close.

Peter could only stare as Deadpool knelt in front of him, reaching up large hands to span his waist. Tensed as searching fingers found the seam of his costume, slowly sliding between the top and bottom, leather gloves brushing against bare skin. His spidey sense was silent but Peter had to resist the purely human fight or flight impulse to throw Deadpool across the room for being too close. 

Instead, he held himself still as the slight brushes continued, felt himself shiver as his skin began to feel hyper-sensitized from the soft, small, almost innocent touches. 

His dick pulsed with _not _ innocent interest and he shivered again, involuntarily, as the light touches continued. Deadpool smiled, a flash of perfect white teeth surrounded by scarred skin as, finally, the fingers began to tug Peter’s spandex’d uniform down, slowly, slowly, inch by inch.

It felt not quite real as Deadpool pulled Peter’s pants and briefs down, tugging until his dick sprang free, unconstrained, settling the fabric to pool around his ankles. The cool air raised goose bumps on his exposed skin as Peter watched Deadpool watch him. 

“Hmm,” Deadpool licked his lips and moved his mouth closer, tilting his head up to look at Peter, like he was waiting for permission or rejection. Getting neither, the bigger man leaned forward and in one move took Peter’s half hard dick into his mouth.

Peter hissed out a groan at the familiar but not familiar sensation of having a mouth on him as he hardened embarrassingly quickly. Okay, so it had been a been a few months since Felicia—since anyone besides his own hand—had touched him. And, uhm wow, apparently Deadpool had skills when it came to his mouth other than talking because those were some—Peter let out another groan—definite skills...

As his dick lengthened and hardened Peter shuddered at the tongue stroking him, the heat and pressure relentless on his sensitive head. Closing his eyes, Peter could almost think it was M.J. sucking him, stroking him, that she...he blinked as the brief thought fell away. Because it wasn’t anything close to M.J.’s small, soft hands gripping his hips. Deadpool’s hands were so much larger, not rough but the strength in them apparent, and the feel of leather covered fingers kneading at his ass, pulling his cheeks apart briefly was, he didn’t know what it was but it felt, it felt...ohohoh the mouth on him definitely wasn’t _ anything _ like M.J.’s mouth, she’d never been able to take all of him in like this oh, “Oh, _ fuck… _ ” he hissed as Deadpool swallowed him down. _ All of him _ and Peter could barely keep himself from thrusting forward, from fucking himself into completion, into the wet heat of the other man’s still suctioning mouth. 

As if he felt the aborted movement, Deadpool’s hands locked onto Peter’s hips and pulled him_ forward, _and, ohohohnonono _ fuck..._unable to resist the blatant invitation he thrust into the hot wet pressure, groaning as all that got him was a growl and a tightening grip that pulled him forward again and, giving in, Peter began thrusting into Deadpool’s mouth as the other man made encouraging sounds that vibrated against Peter’s dick and just...spots swam in his vision, muscles tensing as he began to…

And then Deadpool was pulling back, was pulling off and Peter could only blink in dazed disbelief as the tidal wave of orgasm hovered maddeningly just out of reach. “What…”

Deadpool reached up and ripped his red and black mask entirely off in one violent move, staring up at him and Peter barely registered that the man’s face was scarred everywhere, that he was bald and had warm brown eyes that were watching him with lust and something else that Peter could barely register because Deadpool’s mouth was _ gone _ and _ what the fuck?_

“Why…” _ Why did you stop? _

“Sooo, Spidey, I’ve been thinking,” Deadpool rasped. “It was probably wrong of me to charge you for helping save those civilians. Maybe it’s time to turn over a new leaf...try out this hero shit and well...anyhoo, I’m gonna release you from our deal.”

“You...you, what?” The fuck?

Oh. Oh, wait, Deadpool—_the__ fucker_—definitely had a gleam in his eye as he continued, “unless you know, you really want me to suck your dick.” 

He paused. “So...do you?”

“You...wow. Wow, you are an asshole,” Peter managed to say as his brain shrieked at him _ wantneednownownow_.

“Was that a yes? A no?”

They stared at each other in silence, both breathing heavily.

Deadpool shrugged and started to rise while Peter’s hands clamped down on the bigger man’s shoulders, effortlessly holding him in place. “Don’t you fucking dare,” Peter growled out.

Deadpool looked up at him with hooded eyes. “Well, y’know, if you’re sure that you’re sure…” and then after another moment of charged silence, bobbed forward and swallowed Peter down again as all Peter could do was shudder and fall apart under the shock of the renewed onslaught, under the _ heatwetsuctionperfect “Fuck!” _he was coming so hard he was shaking, shooting into Deadpool’s mouth, convulsing under the continuous perfect pressure, barely managing to stand, aided by Deadpool’s grip on his hips.

He was still coming down from the high as Deadpool moved back, letting Peter’s spent dick slip from his mouth. Before he could really register what was happening, Deadpool was efficiently pulling his pants and underwear back up, tucking Peter in and tugging his top smoothly over the seam before standing up and backing away in one graceful move.

Deadpool’s eyes gleamed brightly, a little manic as they stared at each other. “So, good times, Spidey. A fight and a blow job. You do know how to treat a girl right.”

"I…”

“Hey, if you’re hungry I could order us in some pizza. Or, do you like Thai? I could go for some Thai.” Deadpool stepped back, arms crossed.

“I…” 

“Or I could order Mexican takeout. Actually the best Mexican place in town doesn’t normally deliver but I killed a guy for the owner once so they always…”

“I should go,” Peter managed.

Deadpool’s expression didn’t change. “Oh, yeah, of course you must have a lot to do, lame people to save. A hero’s work is never done.”

“Yeah, I…” and nonono he was _ not _ going to feel guilty about leaving after blackmailed sex. Okay, actually Deadpool had given him an out at the end, the _ fucker. _But if Peter felt weird that he had gotten an orgasm out of this and Deadpool hadn’t which was managing to ping his whole ‘being a gentleman and never leaving a lady unsatisfied’ gene he was repressing the heck out of that.

“Uh, here,” Deadpool pulled a card out of somewhere and offered it to Peter.

Taking it, Peter studied the card. It had a red circle face with two black halves and white eyes, clearly a symbol of Deadpool. The slogan was ‘Unaliving people since 1991’ with a smaller tag line underneath that read ‘General mayhem and intimidation also available.’

“In case you need help again on a job or decide to take me up on unaliving Electrodouche.”

“Thanks,” Peter said. He walked to the still open window, feeling Deadpool’s eyes on his back. 

“Bye,” he offered as he crouched on the window sill.

“Bye, Spidey.”

Peter swung away.

When he got back to his apartment, Peter left Deadpool’s card on the kitchen table, stripped his costume off, and took a very long shower while he tried to work through his fun new sexual identity crisis because, clearly his life hadn’t been complicated enough already.

So...he’d never thought he might be gay. Or even bi. 

He’d always been attracted to girls. After all, he'd spent most of his life in love with M.J.

Yes, fine, he’d had some thoughts about Harry in highschool but it was _ Harry. _

_ Everyone _in their school had those thoughts about Harry. 

But Peter had always appreciated women. Their curves, their softness and uniquely female strength. 

Deadpool on the other hand was the absolute opposite of soft. The man was hard muscles, raw physical strength and just...completely male. 

Had he liked that Deadpool was bigger than him? 

He was used to fighting big guys. Even now at his full adult height of 5’9” a lot of criminals tended to skew bigger and definitely bulkier than he was. He’d never been attracted to any of them. Geez, Sandman or Rhino? Hell to the no.

So, okay, that was one data point.

Had he ever felt attracted to any of the big heroes? Peter thought about Thor or Steve and immediately felt like he had to bleach his brain because they were _Thor_ and _Steve_ and he’d known them since he was a kid so, just...no.

But Deadpool...Peter had to acknowledge he’d come harder than he'd ever come in his life with Deadpool’s mouth on him. That orgasm had been undeniably...whoa. 

So was that just because it had been awhile since he’d had sex or was it because it had been sex with Deadpool? Who was a dude. Who wasn’t even that attractive. 

Okay, lie...Deadpool’s body was amazing. And his smile and eyes had been really nice. 

But with the scars the guy was by no means conventionally good looking although, obviously Peter hadn’t been turned off by Deadpool’s scars because...orgasm. 

So...what was the conclusion, oh, trained scientist? 

Well, he’d had a mind blowing orgasm. 

From a dude.

And thinking about it was making him hard again. 

_ Shit._

So what now? Obviously he could forget this night had ever happened. That was totally a thing he could do. Chalk it up to a one time life experience and move the hell on.

Did he want to?

  
  
  
  
“...Uh, hey, Deadpool, this is Spiderman. You gave me your card last week? Anyway, uh...I have a situation with these drug dealers. I was going to investigate tonight and I thought if you were available...so, I’ll give you my number and, if you’re free, uh, right so…bye.”

Peter hung up, breathing through the jitters in his stomach.

Wow, so so smooth. Maybe by the time he was eighty he’d figure out how to be socially graceful.

Eh, probably not.

Anyway, so that had just happened. He’d reached out to Deadpool, the mercenary of dubious repute that he’d had semi-sex with and was not...unopposed to exploring semi-sex with further.

Who knew if Deadpool had even been serious about getting together again. Maybe the guy wouldn’t call back. He probably wouldn’t call b...

The phone started ringing.

Oh.

Taking a deep breath Peter answered. “Hello?”

“Hey! Spideybabe! What’s up?!”

“Uh...hey…”

  
  


_ Two months later... _

“No. Just no, Wade,” Peter answered firmly into his phone.

“But, _ Petey_…”

Peter hardened his heart. “I concede mutual blowjobs. I even concede the rim job and one hour of Golden Girls but there is no way we’re doing Mexican again tonight. There are other cuisines out there, Wade. Pick one.”

“The magic is gone,” Wade responded sadly.

Peter rolled his eyes. “Uh huh, that’s not what you said when you…” he turned and looked into the eyes of Hawkeye, who was staring at him with an incredulous expression. 

“Oh shit. Uh, gotta go. I’ll call you back.”

Hanging up he watched his fellow superhero. “Clint, that was not what it…”

Clint just continued to stare. “Wade, as in..._ Wade? _ As in... _ Deadpool?!” _

“What? No, dude, that’s crazy, well...okay, yeah, actually but…”

“You’re...holy shit, you’re doing _ Deadpool_?!”

“Clint, wait, you can’t tell anyone, you…” the web shot just missed the superspy who dodged it as he tucked and rolled, sprinting out of the conference room of Avengers Tower, cackling madly.

Peter sprinted after him, wondering what he could use to bribe the archer who was the world’s worst gossip. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of letting everyone know he was dating Deadpool but...he cringed at the thought of the multiple interventions in his near future because Tony was bad enough, but The Fantastic Four? Johnny alone was going to be...and then _ Sue_...

_ “Clint!!” _

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, IDEK but I hope that you enjoyed it! 
> 
> Also, seriously, I think I may need to write a parallel from Wade's POV. 
> 
> These guys *shakes head*


End file.
